Welcome to: No Amount of Stoned Makes you feel ok

This post is part story, part mourning, and part reflection over the sudden death of my dog this weekend. Two days after her 16th birthday she passed away because of a tumour on her lower back which was paralyzing her. My parents had to make the hardest decision of their lives at 1am on Saturday night... she was too old to survive surgery, but she was such an independant animal, she could never live paralyzed. It would be unfair to her because you can't explain to a dog why they can't walk or sit or do anything that they want to do. My parents described that night to me, and the only thing I truly wish is that I could have been there to say goodbye to her.

How do you mourn the loss of your pet? I feel so lost, I have no idea what to do. I'm terrified of the upcoming experience of going home to my house for the first time ever and not getting on the floor to cuddle with my baby. She has been my friend and companion for the past 16 years. She was the person who would just sit with you and let you pet her to make yourself feel better. No words were ever needed, and just my hand on her fur would make me feel so much better. Every night after dinner, Candy came and Sat on my lap at the dinner table while me and my parents talked, and we would always give her a little treat. She was truly part of the family, and right now I feel a hole in my heart like I've never felt before... and I don't know what to do about it. The only way I feel like I can mourn her right now and do her justice is to sit with my sister, and publish this post so that any one of you who reads this knows just what a special animal she was, and how she truly changed my life forever.

We got Candy when I was 8 years old, and so a significant amount of my life and time involved Candy... she came on vacations with us, she raised hell all over the house... our house is right by the park path, and she was always on guard at the front window, watching for intruders and protecting her loved ones. She was never much for cuddling, but liked a good pet now and then, but always, always wanted a cookie. She had what we liked to called 'A Cookie Problem" and had to be given one every time went into the kitchen, talked to her, or petted her. She was conditioned to cookies, and it was part of her charm. Even in her last week of life my dog was still beautiful. She had slowed down significantly, but was still beautiful and still wanted to have kisses and hugs.

I am at least thankful that the last time I saw her was happy and we weren't fighting (that's right, even we would aruge in a funny dog-person sort of way because it was like we were sisters) rather, I took extra good care of her, and didn't leave the house without giving her a kiss or a hug.

I hope that when she died she wasn't too scared. I hope that she knew I loved her so much, like she was another sister and that I will never forget her. I wish that I could have given her one more hug, one more kiss, and told her that I loved her so much. I wish that she didn't have to leave me, but that is the curse of dogs life spans i guess. They come into your life and love you like there is nothing else in the world that matters, and then you are the one who is left behind.


My father is taking it really hard, and everytime I think about it it breaks my heart. We had to convince my father to get a dog, and when we did, he was not happy. She was only allowed in the kitchen. Then, she was only allowed in the kitchen and the front hallway. Then she was allowed everywhere except upstairs, until eventually she won my dad over, and she slept beside him every night, and woke him up each morning for breakfast. My dog has been such a companion to my parents, giving them someone to love and care for in a way that they no longer can with me and my sister since we have all grown up. My dog took us outside of our egoistic selves every time we saw her and though of her, and talked about her, and she truly made us all better people for having had the privilege of sharing her life with her. Every morning for the past 16 years my dad and my dog have gotten up together, had breakfast together and gone for walks together. Now, the house is going to seem so empty, so sad, with the glaring reminder that a member of our family is missing every time we walk through the halls... for months I will be faced with reminders of my dog when I find her hair on my clothes, and I will have to fight the urge to save it somewhere special as a reminder of the love she once gave me and I gave her.

It's really hard to tell people that your pet has died. People who have pets instinctively understand how devastating it is, but what about people who don't know? I fear that some people are not going to take my grief seriously and that I have to mourn by myself in waterloo when I wish I could just be with my parents...

I still have not seen my sister- she was in St. Catherines with her boyfriend when she got the news, and luckily, my boss told me that he would come into work at 8:30 for me and stay until close so that I might spend time with her. Words cannot express how thankful I am that he has done this for me. I don't know that I would make it through the night so devastated and feeling alone. I will always remember that he covered my shift for me so that I could have the time I need, and I don't know how to tell him just how grateful I am for this. I will probably try tonight and be reduced to a snivelling mess, I really just can't help it.

Candy's personality was one of a kind, and I hope that she is up in heaven right now so that I will be able to see her again someday... I miss her so much.

welcome to: no amount of stoned makes you feel ok
welcome to: the darkness into which praying people pray
welcome to: something like elation when you first open your eyes, just cause it means that you must have finally got to sleep last night